Galt Light Beer: Just Expressing Its Beliefs

Grill's Alt Light Beer

“After much prayer and research, he said, he found Brew Theory, an Orlando company that offers contract beverage production with packaging and distribution services.”

In the days of yore, amidst the rolling hills and humble abodes, there lived a man named Joe Penovich. He was a devout follower of the teachings of Christ, his heart aflame with a fervent love for the Lord. Joe toiled diligently in his trade as a brewer, crafting fine ales and beverages that quenched the thirst of many a weary soul.

One evening, as the sun dipped below the horizon and the sky was adorned with hues of crimson and gold, Joe retired to his modest dwelling. In the quiet of his chamber, he knelt in prayer, his soul reaching out to the heavens. "Oh, Heavenly Father," he beseeched, "grant me guidance and wisdom, that I may serve thee better through my craft."

And lo, a wondrous vision unfolded before him. A radiant figure, cloaked in light and bearing a countenance of unparalleled grace, appeared unto Joe. It was none other than Jesus Christ himself, the Savior of mankind. Joe's heart trembled in awe and reverence(1), as he gazed upon the divine presence.

"Joseph Penovich," spoke Jesus, his voice like melodious music, "thou art a faithful servant and thy dedication hath pleased the Father in heaven. Verily, I have a purpose for thee, a task that shall glorify my name and spread the message of light and fellowship."

Joe bowed his head, humbled before the Lord. "Speak, my Lord, and I shall heed thy command."

"Thou shalt create a beverage, a light beer of moderation, to be enjoyed by my followers," proclaimed Jesus. "Let it be a symbol of conviviality and unity(2), a drink that fosters camaraderie and merriment without excess. As my disciples break bread and share in this libation, let them remember my teachings of love(3), compassion, humility, and the inalienable right of white dudes to issue proclamations about other peoples' lives."

With fervent determination, Joe embarked on his sacred mission. He gathered the finest grains and hops, employing his brewing skills to fashion a light beer that was both flavorful and refreshing. As he toiled over the brew kettle, he infused each batch with prayers of devotion(4), asking for the Lord's blessing upon his creation.

The beer, when finally unveiled, was a masterpiece of craftsmanship. Its golden hue sparkled like the sun's rays, and its aroma carried hints of joy and togetherness. Joe named it "Grill's Alt Light" ("Galt Light" for short), a tribute to the the dumbest "intellectual" movement of the last millenium or so, and the book that inspired so many to mistake posturing for thought.

And so, the Galt Light flowed forth, spreading throughout the land. Christians far and wide partook in its splendor, raising their glasses in fellowship and gratitude. In the taverns and homes, believers came together, sharing laughter, stories, and the teachings of Christ over the delightful brew.

The fame of Joe Penovich's Galt Light reached distant shores, and even those who had not known the Lord were drawn to its essence of harmony and goodwill. Many hearts were touched, and souls were uplifted, all through the simple act of sipping a modest light beer.

And thus, the tale of Joe Penovich and his Galt Light became a cherished legend, a testament to the power of faith, obedience, and the unifying spirit of Christ's love. As the years rolled on, the legacy endured, reminding all who partook that in the simplest of joys, the divine presence could be found, guiding them along the path of righteousness and salvation.

  1. ...and a mixture of cough syrup and Red Bull
  2. No homo.
  3. Ibid.
  4. But not urine. We don't know where that rumor started, nor why it persists. We will pray further on this.
  5. Hey there, Ashley Brewer! You do know that "website includes a photo of the company's owner, without his consent" is not actually a valid DMCA issue, right? Kinda sketchy to include that in a complaint (especially where parody is involved). As for the beer can — and I'm sure you know this — there's a solid fair-use defense, but life's too short. It's been removed. Hope Joe's super happy with whatever billables went into this.
  6. Hi again, Ashley! The logo has been removed. Good job. No notes. I'm sure Joe is thrilled.